dooba dooba

so i went to audition for solo singing for the inter school competition. all those who have heard my singing voice are perhaps already dead laughing. so there i was before a couple of teachers and i start it. all i remember is that my friends had this sparkle in their eyes and the crazy smirk on the face as they had realised that they have found the story to embarrass me all my life and since then they have left no oppurtunity to do so. the teachers before me in all fairness to them tried all they had to conceal their amusement but failed miserably. now when i think of it i do think that it was all very funny. for everyone.



why did i do it? i honestly and purposefully believed i had the voice of a rockstar and would melt the women into my worshipping groupies ( which obviously the purpose of doing anything. ANYTHING at all! and nothing has changed!! ). so i had two choices. grab the oppurtunity and become a legend or keep quiet and make fun of the other horrible voices and think in my head that i am better than them. im quite glad i chose the former and gave my friends of kick my posterior for the rest of my life. by the way the song was DOOBA DOOBA by the band SILK ROUTE.

well i believe in the theory panned by neale donald walsh in his book "conversations with GOD", which i claim to be THE book for me. the one which brought things in perspective for me. the theory is that we have a soul. this soul is in the make of GOD'S own. the so called feeling are the voice of this soul. in this world we are somehow programmed to have a 'feeling' sent to the brain for processing. and our brain depending on various factors like upbringing, society, religion, environment, prejudices etc. etc. filter the voice of our soul namely the 'feeling' and the end product is called a 'thought'.

now in my own opinion, taking and moulding this theory, instinct are those powerful feelings that escape the censorship of the brain and are nothing but the voice of the soul as it was said. in its purest and clearest form.

instincts are funny things. they have an uncanny ability to convince. every now and then when i have an instinct, i am sure of it. as if its the truth and i have to act upon it. but these rellelious feelings are constanly hunted by the barin who send its agent to overpower them and condition them. and so if instincts are now acted upon promptly, they are filtered by the brain on the scale of pros and cons and are reduced to mere thoughts.

citing an example from the book only that if we see a person begging, invariably we have this urge to give him some money. but then if we dont act quickly on the urge then our brain tells us various things like he could be a sham or u could keep the money to yourself or if you give him the money then you would only be encouraging him to beg and stuffs or even may be the brain might tell you," what the hell, he looks in need. give him". now this thought that we act under could just be telling us the right thing. he may very well be a sham. but it is all true for the society we live in. and this society is full of prejudices and compromises and pretentious things.
it could be the appropriate thing to do but not necesarily a thing that we are made to do. it could be the thing that we have done as opposed to what are own soul wanted to do.

all my life i have tried acting on my instinct. do things as i felt like. and so many times those things have landed me in trouble or were the inappropriate things to do. and so many times i have suppressed the urge and think over it and done a thing as my brain instructed and have ended up doing the "right" thing. but in all honesty so many of these things didnt exactly feel "right". even victories based on them have felt a little empty. and loss due to working on the instinct have felt more satisfactory.

i have done some stupid things in my life. pure embarassing. like singing in that audition. but hell i dont have regrets about them. i have so many regrets that i didnt act on my initial feeling but acted instead. i have regrets about not saying the things which i should have. i have regrets about not doing the things i wanted to because i thought over it. i know that this duel i will be fighting all my life but i sincerely hope that in times to come i am able to condition my brain more so that its much more in agreement and in consonance with my soul. my thoughts and feelings are alike and identical. embarrasments i can handle but i wish to have no regrets. i will continue singing even in public if i want to and feel like. public auditions however i am never trying again.

p.s. bewafa suno bewafa...bewafa... na jaa...
dooba dooba rehta hoon aankhon mein teri...