rajarsh

runbabyrun

2011-09-11T19:20:00.003+05:30

her hand reached out to hit the “snooze”.but she had woken up.she considered going back to sleep again. the body seemed tired. not by any physical strain but more from the stress and the confusion of the past few days and the events it had brought with it.a voice in her head said feebly that she should get out of the bed and go for her jog , a ritual she always made a point of not missing. its been 3 days since she went out. Literally dragging her large slender frame out of the blanket she stood up and gave out a long silent yawn.

Fifteen minutes later she was on her porch , stretching her body, trying to bring some energy in her limbs. It was a beautiful morning, she thought, breathing in the fresh cool air. She could see the faint orange of the sun lurking behind the dark morning cloud. She loved the sun. she gave away a smile.

Couple of minutes later, short strides of a beautiful pair of legs were hitting the concrete of the footpath. Her ipod was set on the usual volume she liked when she jogged. It was on the shuffle mode. As the track changed, the beats of the new song resonated in her head bringing out a memory. It was a good memory. Uncharacteristically she set the volume higher until the beat was loud enough in her head. The strides increased. She was jogging after days. She gave away another smile

She wasn’t thinking. The music of her once favourite song had distracted her from herself. It filled her with a strange energy. She was running again. The song changed but she did not realize. She was flying now. Unaware of the strands of her hair that escaped from the knot and were swaying away with disdain. Unaware of the sweat that was trickling down her bronze skin which she secretly loved. Unaware of how fast she was running and how graceful it appeared to the old couple that were walking on the opposite pavement. Unaware that she had never looked more beautiful.

Twenty minutes had lapsed and she did not feel a thing. She was free after days and something was healed inside her. She was a little girl again and was chasing a butterfly never actually intending to catch it. she did not feel her legs tiring and that her breath was getting heavier.she could no longer the thumping music from the ipod but she could hear herself breath again along with the fast thumping of her heart, beating in a rhythm. that was music! after days she was reminded that her heart did exist. She was alive. She gave away another smile.

crossroad

2011-08-17T20:55:00.002+05:30

some people don't like when a movie or a book ends abruptly.they complain and prefer the "happily ever after". but tell me of a story which is immune to a sequel. what if the princess, after the end credits roll, thought that she made a huge mistake marrying the prince. she actually has a thing for "bad boys" with scar and actually the evil wizard was her true love. who is to say? may be the prince was gay after all and comes clean to the princess who couldn't take the news and commits suicide. anything can happen in the sequel.it never ends.for there is a potential sequel even for the sequel.

every story told is only a slice of the whole brick. we are at the mercy of the story teller and every thing is a mere perception of our own projections.and the real truth is that no matter how you see it,half full or half empty, the truth is that the glass is always as full as it is empty.

and such is life. it is like a perfect circle with a misplaced epicenter or a parallel rail line which seem to intersect. we live it so easily as breathing and yet it invariably feels like a struggle. it is a burden which we cant wait to dispatch and ironically our greatest fear is death.

every stage of our lives we are faced with choices.these choices are there to be on a daily basis. and then there is the eternal retrospective brooding.have i made the right choice?would my life be better if i had made the other choice?oh i have made the blunder!

but is there a guaranty that the other choice would have ensured a struggle free life where there would be no further choices to make.who is to say if it were for the better or the worse.

you set out to achieve something or someone and by sheer hard work and a little bit of luck and the tinniest bit of manipulation you achieve your goal, what then?its not over.another struggle starts of having to sustain it all.the more efforts you put in, the higher the bar is raised and it demands even more effort.and then its all gone.you lose it all.the fall is massive as you had risen so far up.and then you hit the lowest low.nothing is lower.and then you start to rise again.and its sweeter and higher and higher you rise only preparing yourself for another fall.

when we are younger, we want to be older wanting to do things what grown ups do and as we grow older we we miss the things we did when we were young.

people leave their country for a foreign land for a better life swearing that they would make enough money and return someday but they don't. then years later they miss their home so much and visit it and feel a love for it like never before but return saying that they cant live there anymore! invariably the reasons for it is that its not comfortable enough like the foreign land but not a day goes by when they wish themselves back in their home. matter of comfort of the mind takes over the pleasures of the heart.

someone may aspire to be a rockstar. but what about that rockstar who was squandering everything by abusing himself with drugs.or the one who had put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger? what did they aspire to be after they did that? apparently they had everything going for them and yet they choose to keep their existence in a state of substance abused tranquility as if to say that all that they have got is not even worth living for in a sane state of mind and then die of an overdose. and the ironically they become richer after their suicide!

we are in a constant fight to make things 'complete".we continue chasing the mythical creature called happiness and end up no where.we are obsessed with defining everything. we are sad or bored or jealous or happy or proud or hungry or in love or heart broken without realising that we are all of these things at all times. everything is in a state of balance and the cumulative effect of it all is the big ZERO.

we are too advanced for the past and too primitive for the future.too young for tomorrow and too old for yesterday. every lock is a key for some other lock. every question is an answer to some other question. when a face is covered in moonlight, sun shines on someone else's.

life is like a maze which we find ourselves treading in. every time we will pause long enough to look around we shall find ourselves at a crossroad.

2010-12-05T01:51:00.000+05:30

umbrella

2010-07-05T00:15:00.003+05:30

drops of gloom pour like a train
memories of past seizes my brain

some broken some tried
some smiled some cried

my body breaks into an itch
i know the feeling ,makes me twitch

i am a boy again
world is free of pain

in my balcony sits a sparrow
i stare at her making my eyes narrow

seems smaller than she is
feathers dripping and apart bit by bit

indicates that the rain wont last long
sun will shine again into a song

blooming into a symphony so yellow
forcing the sky to reveal a rainbow

bugs and butterflies shall flutter
dancing around in a clutter

boys jump out to play
some with a bat some with clay

i look up tying my lace
storming out into a race

joining the gang in a huddle
making sure to jump in every puddle

they sing and they shriek
in voices loud and creek

lightning strikes again
lashes out a heavy rain

clouds roar out a thunder
we retreat in a mode of surrender

grey spreads all around
i sit with my feet wound

look out through the glass
this time it is going to last

i close my eyes and bury my head
listen to the noise of water hitting the lead

the itch is back the eyes wet
the boy is gone the pain set

i brood with my head hung low
like a man moving ever so slow

this wait is endless and is heavy
would i ever be a kid and so happy

haze

2010-05-07T21:26:00.004+05:30

i just got ahead of my time
moving along with just a little more than a dime

it all came to a screeching halt
my wounds were open and rubbed with salt

was immediately stuck with a cruel reality
had come too far without any authority

the illusion had momentarily seemed true
i rejoiced in my ship as a single man crew

brightness was all around spread like the air
i bathed in the ocean without a worldly care

have woken up and the dream is finish
however there are enough memories for me to cherish

all i can see now is a smoke looming large
capturing all my vision like a marshalling sarge

faintly recall the contours made from a smile
and the light seeping tightly through the almost closed eye

my feet feel heavy and i breathe hard
the castle i ruled came trumbling like a deck of card

i reach hard to look for my stick
summoned the leftover strength to do some trick

with dust in my eye and clenched fist
i try to move dragging me with my own wrist

it will never be like it has been in the past
but i guess such is life and nothing really last

game

2010-03-25T19:49:00.003+05:30

my last vision just before the crash was yellow. not the kinds which may be associated with what chris martin wrote for gwyneth paltrow. it was the colour of the bus which appeared from nowhere and was found to be horizontally placed in front of my car.
my last thought was,"this is it?!". just before the bang, time froze. and i rued at how, just like that its all going to end.
soon after the crash thankfully i did'nt lose any balance in my head. i almost immediately made sure that everyone in the car was unhurt and fine and after that everything seemed to go by in a jiffy. the hospitals and the ambulance and the x-rays and the m.r.i and doctors and concerned relatives. while all this went happening around me, i was shocked to be alive after it all and on top of it, unscratched. well more or less. and whatever little injuries that were sustained were actually a bare minimum there could have been considering it was a head-on collison, the kinds shown in movies and my car (i was in absolute love with it and i liked to believe that it martyred itself for us) has been declared as a "total loss".

now i understand the meaning of 'gratitude' in a whole different perspective! to be alive after the whole incident has been,well, nothing short of what they say, a 'miracle'. in between the full throttle pressing of the brakes and the head on collisson and the loud bang andrealising that my family was safe and that the bus was not plyed by any passengerand the driver was safe as he was seen fleeing, a whole lifetime passed in a matter of seconds. the mere fact that now everyday since then i get jostled up a few times everytime i sleep from vision of the whole crash seems to be the smallest price of what i got in the bargain. LIFE!

i have had accidents in the past. a cycle collison which left me with ugly teeth for life. a bike fall that has made a few permanent scars on the arm.but this one stands out. its the one that will have the strongest impact on the rest of my life. it has made me realise that no one, absolutely no one is immune to anything.the GAME is bigger than we can imagine and it can seriously humble anyone.absolutely anyone.

we imagine that certain things would never happen to us. we would never be hit by lightning.never would have an accident.never would stray.never would get into trouble.and then it may just happen.and we thinking.how?how it could happen?how it could happen to ME? things that happen in the news shall never happen to is. we will never be caught in a firenever in a terrorist attck. never in a plane crash. never caught cheating. well no one has an immunity from anything. life may have the plans which we can never fathom in our wildest of imaginations. within moments we may be thrown from the pinnacle to the dust. from being in control, to out of the box. from the unchallenged king to the stabbed ceaser by a friend!

i was lucky to have survived what i went through. but would i be the next time.what to do then?
the real truth is that the seemingly inocuous and for some people an irritaing seat belt proved to be the saviour. it works.it saves. take it from me. the impact can only be imagined from th efact that the bus i collided in, toppled over.(yes it did. i have toppled a bus over. aint that cool?!) and the seat belt wrapped us to the seat and prevented our throwing to the windscreen and for me, the steering. albeit that.curtains would have been surely down.end of it. so the trick is to be prepared as much as it is in our hands. and even then there is no guarantuee. people have survived grave and impossible situations and people have died by tripping on the stairs of the comfort of their homes.

now as Ross said in one of the episodes of "Friends', when a car backfired and he thought he was shot at, even i have 'a new found respect for life'. sounds like a bloody cliche but i cant help feeling it. i imagine the things i would have missed out on doing which i have planned to before i kick the bucket. i wouldn't have ever seen sachin in real life. i would have never known the kind of love they show in movies which is so much that it hurts. i wouldnt have had anyone fall in love with me. i would have gone without hitting the perfect cover drive. there would have no visit to the pyramids.a few sorrys had to be told. a lot more thank yous.my family has yet to have an occasion to be proud of me. hadn't made anyone laugh so much that a tear come out of their eye. hadnt yet done snow camping. hadnt taken a vacation alone to the beach. i would have been dead without ever witnessing a sunrise. hadn't had a chance to see if any of my children would have had my kind of weird ears. the movies i would miss which are yet to be made and would take my breath away. to see if i can fall in love with myself any more than i already have!

the game is fun. the game is beautiful. the game has ups and downs.and the game can be cruel. you can never take it for granted. it has an ego and it can get after you and humble you in ways unimaginable. the only thing in our hand is to enjoy every bit of it.look for more aspects of it and not keep things for tomorrow. make things happen rather than wait for things to happen.be grateful for everything that is at offer and have unconditional respect for people,family,friends,life. never congratulate yourself too much on a win. never be bereaved too much at a loss. accept everthing that happens with simplicity.have faith and carry on. the game is worth palying every second of it. play on baby! there aint much else to do anyways.

fallen

2010-02-08T23:58:00.005+05:30

there was a time of obscurity and vagueness and was unkind
inspite of the best efforts i could only drag my mind

to move to a destination that was not in sight
the journey to it seemed unconquered inspite of all might

the moon shone so bright that the sky appeared starless all night
alone with only my shadow for company i treaded in the sparkling moonlight

to go by in circles of endless circumferences
engulfed with memories and thoughts of interferences

there is a tear somewhere in my soul
the hot wind is breezing through that hole

with pride and my head held high
i take shaking steps with moisture in my eye

abandoned by the world at last
i am banished with feelings only of my past

again that time is upon me here
infact it never went anywhere

reflection

2009-11-10T21:39:00.002+05:30

as we go on living, we are constantly discovering ourselves. knowingly or otherwise, everything we do seems to reveal more and more of us to ourselves. and in this process whoever we come along, serves as a tool in the self disocvery. how we get along with people and in different scenarios is the test that is instrumental in our definition of ourselves. in this sense every relationship, every encounter howsoever brief or elaborate is a reflection of our own selves.

for example if we make someone laugh, we feel great ourselves. it gives immense satisfaction. we feel that we achieved something by doing something to the other person. now if we are sorry about somnething else then it means that we are dissapointed in our own selves. also if others are dissapointed in us then we feel terrible for causing that to them. and we need to correct it. so everything that we do is eventually affecting us only. because the others are just a medium through which we test these feelings. we essentially learn of ourselves through our relationships.

now for example, if i dont trust somebody. what does it mean? it perhaps means that i ahve not been able to make that person be loyal enough to me to enable myself to trust him/her. in the same way, if somebody doesnt trust me then it means that i have not been yet able to make them come to a stage that they can. so does it mean that in both the cases it my fault? well i think its not a question of faults? its a question of being at a place in a relationship where i have to be working to achieve that trust or be able to enable myself to be trusted. in every relationship its upon me, and me alone to make things work. if i feel that somebody is being difficult, it essentially means that i have not yet been able to come to a stage where they dont behave like that. if i simply give somebody a compliment and if they are suspicious of it simply because they assume that i am either lying or have some ulterior purpose then may be its just who has been able to do enough to wipe any such doubts from their heads! i have failed so far and have to try harder.

doesnt it seem bloody harsh? doesnt it mean that we alone are responsible for everything? well harsh, may be. nothing of worth has ever been simple. and yes we ARE responsible of EVERYTHING in our lives. if somebody says that their parents are 90 percent more responsible for thier starined relation, then it menas that they are 10 percent responsible and since its a shorter percentage they have to work much lesser from their ends to correct their part. and then they can enable their parents to work on the 90. well we never give up on people we love. coz if we love them, then 'enough" is never "enough".

everytime i am angry at someone, i feel terrible later on when it phases out. more so because i think i should have handled it better. should have done something to, in the first place, never let it happen. and if it did to do much better than staying angry. so in the end we arent doing anything for the others alone. we are doing it all for ourselves. if we make somebody laugh, its only because we feel great about that. if we help somebbody, there is a satisfaction inside us for which we did it. its all for us. and i will get ahead and say this. for us ALONE!

sounds idealistic doesnt it? impossible to inculcate in our thinking. saint like. GOD like! well sure is. but even if expectations and fear and jealousy and manipulation for personal gains and greed and temptation and their brothers and sisters burden us all the time, we should strive to achieve an ideal state.saint like. GOD like! i genuinely believe that we all are trying to achieve it. better ourselves every passing moment. its hard and often the efforts and the results are very latent but we do try. i try. i try and put high standards for myself. sometimes so high that i fail all the time. but i do strive. and how do i give up on my relationships. inspite of my failures at them and seemingly vain efforts i have tokeep trying. i feel i have an obligation to assess and evaluate and better myself for my friends and family. and going by the thoeory propounded above, its all in my hands. pressure? yeah. but i have the satistaction of the effort. its better than losing. atleast there is a consolation of being in the race!

so i have to see my relations with others as the reflection of my growth and accordingly have to genuinely work on it. they serve as a parameter to my own self.thankfully i seem to be in consonance to what robbie williams said," LORD! i am doing all i can, to be a better man!".

solitude

2009-11-09T01:33:00.003+05:30

for me solitude differs from lonliness in as much as there seems to be a certain romance involved with solitude. i cant say how it differs in terms of its definition. havent even checked the dictionary to see their respective meanings. however how i percieve it is being summarised in the following attempt to where i see it exist.

it is in the fluttering of a flag
it is the sound of the wind in the sand
it is in the glory of a past success
it is an attempt to overcome a loss
it is a crucified GOD on the cross
it is in the crashing of a wave into the cliff
it is in the coldness of a lover's tiff
it is the depth of a still river
it is the lightning at night
it is in the sparlkle of the sun's bright
it is the vaccum of the sky
it is in the introspection of a hard try
it is colour of the fire
it is in the weight of desire
it is the courage of a widow
it is the butterfly in the meadow
it is the unpublished words of an author
it is the symphony of flowing water
it is in the dreams of a blind
it is in the stride of the kind
it is the anxiety of a lover
it is the cold man looking for cover
it is in the realisation of being weird
it is in the possibility of being self cheered
it is the uncertainty of a maiden
it is in the walk of an abandoned king
it is in the fall and the rise of a warrior
it is the antics of a sad clown
it is very very deep brown
it is the margins of a rainbow
it is the walk with the shadow
it is tear in the eye of a boy
it is his broken toy
it is the brightest star in the moonlight
it is in the sigh of a broken heart
it is the last thoughts of the dying
it is in the agony of lying
it is the unheard sound
it is the silence of the music in the background

judgement

2009-10-06T19:26:00.005+05:30

often i have noticed that how close two people are depends on the consonance of their views on other people. thats funny i think. when we talk or have a conversation it invariably revolves about people who arent there and quite so often about people that none of us know persoanally. for example sports persons. politicians, actors, etc etc. and we all see to have insights about them. the source of our views are generally, for example in cases of actors, their performances, their interviews and the various stories about them in circulations every where. on the basis of these we think we know them as a person and thus brand them as to be like"that".

whats the need for such assumption? and why do we so often think we know people and are almost obsessed to categorise them? we so often meet people and then in our heads assess them and make a judgement about them. and it doesnt stop there. we prononce that of them to other people and so many times affect the individual assessment of what that other person might make. now its still alright if we have nicer things to say about the other person. but really not that good when our judgment about them is not very favourable of them. on the basis of our understanding we invariably try to cloud the chances of that third person might have to impress upon other people.

i think our instincts work while interacting with opeople and on the basis of what it tells us we act around such person. but like instincts in every person is unique, just like finger prints, different people will behave diferently around a third person on the basis of his own individual assessment. now in the event that we tell somebody about our experience with that person and thrust upon him our own assessment so as to make it sound as a universal truth, it prejudices the mind of the other person. and i have observed such a thing is very common in relations where we have a more impressionable standing. we believe that we know the third person inside out and he is 'just' the way i 'know' he is.

i often wonder what i would do if i were to be in someone elses shoes. for example what if i were born to not so well off parents and had to work as a child and even basic things were not available to me without a daily fight. how would have i grown up to be? how would i have realised any ambitions i had? working for it? begging? stealing? murdering? who knows that! i think its very easy to judge somebody from our place. its another thing to see it from their eyes. i firmly believe that every one is trying really hard to realise what they want and need, for tyhemselves or even for others like their family. its a struggle for everyone just to be their own selves. and in that struggle all we have is our own personal beliefsa and faith and strenghts. and our greatest hindrance is our own insecurities and weaknesses and fears.

i feel its hard enough to fight the war inside us. matters get tougher when others burden us with their own expectations and judgements. as long as someone is not hurting any body, i think that somebody is entitled to be himself. opinions, suggestions and advises are one thing, condemnation is something totally else.

so why do we "judge" people anyways. i believe we never judge them in isolation. we do that always keeping ourselves as a scale. if we like somebody its generally because he is like us and when we tend to dislike somebody its sometimes because we feel threatened by them in some way. our judgment are merely another attempt to define ourselves in our own eyes in relation to the people we are judging. when we say that." how could he do that?", we mean that i would never do that. and " i like his doing that!" translate that i would surely do that given a chance. this means that we try to find a link between us and our object of judgment. we try and identify ourselves only in other people. its not others that we are categorising, its infact us only we are defining! i see that its a part of our eternal quest to "find" and "know" ourselves. our judgment of others are nothing but judgment of our own self.

i genuinely feel that we need to be lenient on ourselves and infact we are most of the time. and may be since judging others is essentially judging ourselves, we might as well cut people a little slack. like shakespeare said, if we all were to get what we deserve, no one will go to heaven! just like GOD, lets treat everyone with a little more kindness. it shouldnt be that difficult i suppose. who knows, we all might go to heaven then!

violence

2009-08-20T20:13:00.004+05:30

there was a news item in the papers i read sometime back that was particularily disturbing for me. some car fellow bumped into a 7 year old on a cycle and broke it. the kid cryingh all the while was demanding the car driver and his companion to get him a new cycle or to pay him some money. the two men got so irritated that they burnt the kid alive.

well my advocate instinct tell me not to believe anything and everything as i hear. but so many of them are true. and so could be this. a kid was perhaps roasted in the capital of the country for what exactly?!

what have we become? or have we been like this all along? since time immemorial all we know that violence has been in every era, in every part of the world, in every strata of the society. behind every victory of any king has been a bloodshed of magnificent sorts. every religion stands on the ground of corpses of men and women and children who apparently were sacrificed in the greater quest of achieveing GOD by their slayers. human beings have been violent and its no different today. perhaps due to the strictness of law at times we infact are detterred from carrying on with our feeling of hate with which we are perpetually gripped with. if only it were allowed to kill for one day and not being charged with it, i am sure that half of the planet would be wiped off.

in all honesty i haven't really had a physical fight with anybody. not yet. even as a kid i would barely get into one with cousins and friends and all and anyway socking the aforesaid barely qualifies to be a fight. also my parents and family never raised a hand on me...or foot...or the broom or cloth hanger( i have seen some of my cousins being chased by their mothers with one and believe me they deserved it the most of times). however i know some people who say that i should have been thrashed if it were to have any effect on me not becoming what i did. well the point is that i have never really hit any one and vice-versa. so once there was a function in my family. in that a young man of say around 22-23 years was caught by some people trying to steal some jewellery of ladies and all. so they cornered him and took him out and roughed him up. he confessed of his doing and was petrified. then somebody gave him a whack on the face and somebody kneed him in the gut.

now here come the lowest point in my even otherwise pathetic existence. i gave him a kick. why? simply because i thought this is like a perfect oppurtunity to sock somebody. yes. thats what i thought. and i did. and as i raised my foot, half way i found no strength in it as something in me was pulling it back, yet it did fly to hit him on his leg. i froze. my soul froze. i have never ever felf weaker in my life. i have never felt more sorry for myself. i have never ever felt more pity for myself. i was a horrible horrible man that day. i broke my own heart.

am i capable of having a fight? i think yes. if driven to the edge i will. but in my heart i know i will hate to be in one. i will have a deja-vu of the same feeling of utter disgust. i hope i would never have to. i have had terrible fits of rage and have known to throw and break things around me at times (very very seldom thankfully) but have never have wanted to give anyone a beating. even though one my favourite movie is FIGHT CLUB and i do subscribe to the theory that you dont know yourself until you have been in a fight. yet in my heart of heart i wish to pass this life without knowing that side which is revealed by being in a scruffle. dhishoom-dhishoom, high speed car chases, bazookaas, fist-fights and the likes in some other life then. live and let live doesn't seem like a very difficult philosophy to follow, does it?

dooba dooba

2009-07-12T23:24:00.006+05:30

so i went to audition for solo singing for the inter school competition. all those who have heard my singing voice are perhaps already dead laughing. so there i was before a couple of teachers and i start it. all i remember is that my friends had this sparkle in their eyes and the crazy smirk on the face as they had realised that they have found the story to embarrass me all my life and since then they have left no oppurtunity to do so. the teachers before me in all fairness to them tried all they had to conceal their amusement but failed miserably. now when i think of it i do think that it was all very funny. for everyone.

why did i do it? i honestly and purposefully believed i had the voice of a rockstar and would melt the women into my worshipping groupies ( which obviously the purpose of doing anything. ANYTHING at all! and nothing has changed!! ). so i had two choices. grab the oppurtunity and become a legend or keep quiet and make fun of the other horrible voices and think in my head that i am better than them. im quite glad i chose the former and gave my friends of kick my posterior for the rest of my life. by the way the song was DOOBA DOOBA by the band SILK ROUTE.

well i believe in the theory panned by neale donald walsh in his book "conversations with GOD", which i claim to be THE book for me. the one which brought things in perspective for me. the theory is that we have a soul. this soul is in the make of GOD'S own. the so called feeling are the voice of this soul. in this world we are somehow programmed to have a 'feeling' sent to the brain for processing. and our brain depending on various factors like upbringing, society, religion, environment, prejudices etc. etc. filter the voice of our soul namely the 'feeling' and the end product is called a 'thought'.

now in my own opinion, taking and moulding this theory, instinct are those powerful feelings that escape the censorship of the brain and are nothing but the voice of the soul as it was said. in its purest and clearest form.

instincts are funny things. they have an uncanny ability to convince. every now and then when i have an instinct, i am sure of it. as if its the truth and i have to act upon it. but these rellelious feelings are constanly hunted by the barin who send its agent to overpower them and condition them. and so if instincts are now acted upon promptly, they are filtered by the brain on the scale of pros and cons and are reduced to mere thoughts.

citing an example from the book only that if we see a person begging, invariably we have this urge to give him some money. but then if we dont act quickly on the urge then our brain tells us various things like he could be a sham or u could keep the money to yourself or if you give him the money then you would only be encouraging him to beg and stuffs or even may be the brain might tell you," what the hell, he looks in need. give him". now this thought that we act under could just be telling us the right thing. he may very well be a sham. but it is all true for the society we live in. and this society is full of prejudices and compromises and pretentious things.
it could be the appropriate thing to do but not necesarily a thing that we are made to do. it could be the thing that we have done as opposed to what are own soul wanted to do.

all my life i have tried acting on my instinct. do things as i felt like. and so many times those things have landed me in trouble or were the inappropriate things to do. and so many times i have suppressed the urge and think over it and done a thing as my brain instructed and have ended up doing the "right" thing. but in all honesty so many of these things didnt exactly feel "right". even victories based on them have felt a little empty. and loss due to working on the instinct have felt more satisfactory.

i have done some stupid things in my life. pure embarassing. like singing in that audition. but hell i dont have regrets about them. i have so many regrets that i didnt act on my initial feeling but acted instead. i have regrets about not saying the things which i should have. i have regrets about not doing the things i wanted to because i thought over it. i know that this duel i will be fighting all my life but i sincerely hope that in times to come i am able to condition my brain more so that its much more in agreement and in consonance with my soul. my thoughts and feelings are alike and identical. embarrasments i can handle but i wish to have no regrets. i will continue singing even in public if i want to and feel like. public auditions however i am never trying again.

p.s. bewafa suno bewafa...bewafa... na jaa...
dooba dooba rehta hoon aankhon mein teri...

happy birthday

2009-06-03T19:14:00.002+05:30

months before my birthday my excitement level would start soring. i think it was the same with every child my age around me. my sisters birthday is a couple of weeks before me so she too would join me in the teeth clenching palm rubbing anticipation of what were the most special days of our lives respectively. after school while eating lunch we would talk endlessly about the preparations and the gifts which would be given to us and the return gifts we would be giving and what dress we will be wearing and what toffees we would be distributing at school and how we would be so tired after the late night celebrations that we wouldnt go to school the next day. a few days before the lovely most special day we would repeat all the qbove conversation like a broken record.

i had a thing that i would do at my birthday. wear everything new. the shirt-pants, shoe-socks and underwears. everything had to be new.brand new. else i would quite simply throw a fit and my parents forbidden by my nana to raise a hand on me had to oblige. i was quite a brat in some ways i reckon.

on a particular birthday, perhaps i was turning 8 or 9, i am unable to recall the number, it happened to be either a sunday or a holiday of school. so that meant 2 set of new clothes. brand new. one for the day and the other for the party at night. on that day my parents for the oddest of reason went on a charity bid and decided to sent me to a nearby orphanage to feed the children there, so i with a couple of servants with the whole meal for lunch went there. i vividly remember wearing checked a white shirt with some brown design on it and a crisp dark brown shorts and white cotton socks with two dark brown lines on the top and the dark brown leather shoe, which inspite of much persuassion by my parents of not being of real laether or durable i had gotten due to my world famous tantrums.

i entered the orphanage with the servants and the person incharge asked all the boys there, of all ages to atand up and greet me. and then they sang me the birthday song in hindi. now i cannot say but something happened. i started trembling. i was looking at my shoe. and i was looking at the children. their clothes. they appeared clean allright. definetely not new. far from it as the holes and the patches on them indicated. and they were singing for me. only because i was feeding them today. rightly put... my parents were. i had never been so embarrassed of my clothes before. and the ones that were worn for the first time and were smelling nice and looking nice. but i was embarrassed. i was embarrassed to be me that day. as i looked at the faces of the children as they sang it was very clear that they were singing because they had been asked to do so and infact it was a regular feature for them whenever the parents of some spoilt child would feel the need to do some charity on a non schooling day.

they sat in two lines as my servants and i served them the food. i recall my shame making my eyes moist and unable to meet any of them. i saw them finishing the food and then cleaning the plates themselves. they again lined to thank me for the feast and again wished me happinesss on my birthday.

never again i have rolled on the road on my mothers refusal to buy me another toy gun. never again have i asked for anything which i particularily didnt need. never again i have felt proud on wearing new clothes. the rule of everything new on the birthday hasnt been strictly adhered to since then. any of those could be and i could be any of them. that was the thought i had leaving that place. a tremendous sense of gratitude and respect had gripped me. a new chapter of kindness and apathy was found in me somewhere.

not that my parents intended but i was humbled. i didnt realise it with such clarity then but now i think it was one of the most important lessons i learnt that day. i had gotten a gift then.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

love

2009-01-19T15:28:00.003+05:30

prologue:

love being a feeling is incapable of being defined in an absolute or universal form. its like a liquid and takes the form of the vessel in which it is poured. its vastness cannot be contained by a mere use of words. being a state of mind and soul there can only be attempts to explain to an individual by comparing with an experience he/she might have undergone.

most of us often understand it by confining it to romantic love and its like. the domain of love is much much wider to be dominated by a singular aspect. it perhaps include everything in some form or the other. on being asked to describe it everyone tends to illustrate only what they would do or what they feel on being in love. its fair enough considering that every individual is unique and capable of feeling differently.

heres an attempt by me to summarise my feelings and understanding of it

love

it is the dreamless sleep
it is the touch of the orange pudding with the tongue
it is the perfect drive towards cover
it is kissing the moist lips of a lover
it is the drive alone at the sunset
it is the smile on a sleeping baby's head
it is the hug from a dear friend
it is the silent appreciation of a father
it is the blind support of a mother
it is the fooling around of a sibling
it is clasping of the finger by the sonny and jumping of the daughter on the tummy
it is a jog in the park and twinkling of a star in the dark
it is sweet as toffee and has an aroma of a coffee
it is the shy smile of a stranger
it is the cool breeze in summer and it is cuddling during winter
it is autumns and springs and the feeling a close game brings
it is the sensation of watching cinema and the awkwardness of a dilemma
it is the ecstasy of a victory and the effort of overcoming a defeat
it is the music of a song and meeting a dear one after long
it is water and wind and it is the fire within
it is the crashing of a wave and the cheese cake after much crave
it is a kind word when feeling down and missing a moment when it is gone
it is relief from pain and it is never loss but always gain
it is the thrill of a mystery and contradiction in a symmetry
it is faith and hope and it is what GOD is to pope
it is life's only goal and it is what heart is to soul
it is you and it is me
it is everything that ever has to be

inspiration

2008-09-06T21:59:00.004+05:30

the thing about inspiration is that it has a mind of its own.at what point do u truly feel inspired is beyond an indiviuals control and certainly cant be planned. being inspired is a state of mind and i belive when truly inspired means a time when we have a intimate moment with our real self, when we really feel connected to the core inside us.

at best i am a very avearge writer...in fact all i can do is write some random blogs wchich some times even dont make sense to me.and even these blogs are so far in between in being conduced.
frankly speaking i have 10s of ideas which i feel the need to pen down but just dont....why?no clue. and then out of the blue after ages i jsut have a random impulse i sit down without thinking i just give it a go.

i like to believe that since its not in my natural ability to write i need to be greatly inspired. what happens when inspiration really dawns on us?what is the source of inspiration? i am quite certain that to each his own.every one has their own calling. and some of the palces that our inspiration has its genesis could appear to be so trivial and stupid to others that we consider it best to be a thing which should never be mentioned. then there are things which inspire us and we dont even realize that we have been hit! thats the time when we assume that we are terrifically powerful.that from absolutely no where we have gathered a terrific strength, mental and physical, and we feel liberated and ourself. its an awesome high!

watching a tendulkar shot reaffirms my love in cricket...watching the roger-nadal wimbeldensque (not sure if its a word!) final reaffirms my love for competetive sport...a superb movie of whatsoever genre makes me fall in love with life all over again! the national anthem does not escapee without giveng goose-bumps...a wonderful book ignites wit and passion inside my head...a wonderful melody sends the barin to a trip to tranceland...a tough case inspires and opposition always drives me to perform better at my arguments and perrformance!

inspiration drive us to our best.it could be from a very conducive environment or even from a very hostile one.but at that oppurtunate moment we truly know what we are and how we have to act on the impulse. we just know we are right and there is nothing that could possibly deter us on acting while being possessed with something which could be best described as a form of madness!

people have a terrific influence on us.and those who do are the ones we like to call friends. these are the ones whose mere presence make us... well US! my humour is at its best when in company of the ones i love. thats perhaps the time when i am myself with no inhibition and my true nature is at its ostensive display.thats the time i love myself the most.its these people, friends who make you fall in love with yourself and you love them for that.its the inspiration from there presence, their support, their talk,laughter,sadness that makes you aware of you and your own presence and being.

we love being inspired and inspire.we love to love and give love.surely there are numerous occasions when we feel its not happening, we are not driven and motivated! but then again UN-inspiration is also a state of mind and perhaps just by doing something, anything we could be in
the place where its not stale, where we can shrugg it off and where the sun shines brightly through the cool breeze in the autumn sky at dusk! well thats my place...thats where my soul goes for a vacation...you go ahead and find yours...to each his own!

sleep

2008-07-27T23:23:00.003+05:30

the list of my favourite things in the world is a very fickle one.the order of it certainly is.but one thing, give and take, has always found a striking mention in the top 5.and thats sleeping. most people attribute it to the inherent laziness with which i was born.fair enough! but heres what i love about it...

i dont really remember my dreams...which is not a very bad thing in my book...all i remember is that if i have a good one,for some mysterious reason i am a little upbeat in the real world.but the real thing that i love is the very moment when my conscious mind transcends into the semi conscious state and then the unconscious state.there is not much to recall of that period but whatever titsy bitsy bit that is experienced is a great great feeling.its an amazing trance sort of a thing which is unparalleled to any.i am a sucker for it.

it obviously is not any excuse to sleep just at any time that i do...or wish to do certainly.however i wish i could sleep less in the number of hours that i normally do...but it still is there some where up there on my list of favourite things.cant help it.just love it.

happiness

2008-04-03T16:40:00.006+05:30

there were two brothers, identical twins, and one of them was very successful in his work career but was very dissatisfied with life as he felt that he was fat and balding and unattractive. he would feel dissatisfied all the time and was not happy with his life. on the other hand his twin who looked exactly like him and did not have a particularily great career, seemed to enjoy himself all the time and was always surrounded by friends and even had a girlfriend.

the unhappy fellow would always wonder what makes my brother so happy and one day in his frustration he told him in order to make him feel bad that when they were in school, the hot girl his brother had a crush on was making fun of him behind his back for being fat and ugly.
to this his brother replied that even he heard that girl but it did not bother him. the jealous guy was surprised and asked him as to how could he not feel sad when the girl he liked said such nasty things about him.
his brother said what he felt for the girl was his feeling and his problem and the fact that she despised him was hers. what he feels about her or someone or something else is immaterial of the other person"s response. that is something he cant control and since he cant control that he cant be worried of it.he shouldnt.or else he will always be sad and dissatisfied.

the above scene is from the movie ADAPTATION which really got me thinking.we place our own happiness in other people's hand.this we do with the expectation that they will take care of it, with the belief that its their responsibility to keep us happy and satisfied without having to do anything ourselves.and when these expectations are not met with we think that we have been cheated and abused.

i wonder if happiness is a thing that could be brought to us by anyone or anything else.as i understand it, it is a state of mind.something that is so personal that it cant be expressed in words.it can merely be inferrred from the way a person behaves.

i beieve that everything effects us to the degree that we let it to.we cant feel happy if dont let ourselves to.how we feel it is something that is very very personal.its something that is very universal yet very unique to an individual.no one can understand the joy i get while eating oranges or seeing sachin score a century or when i am in company of the people i want to be.i can tell everyone that i am very happy about all these things but what exactly is the feeling cant be conceived by them.perhaps because i cant relly express it in the true sense.

i asked a friend that how does she knows shes happy.she said that when she wishes that in that moment nothing should change...then she realises that she is truly happy.
for me to determine it, the test is how early i doze off after hitting the bed and how soundly i have slept.it tells me that all is going smooth and i have nothing to think about.when i have a thoughtless brain i know that i am doing well.if i worry or am excited before sleeping then i know i am not happy.we tend to believe that excitement is being happy.i feel that when we are excited then a part of us is really scared that things might go wrong and we are not at peace.

the general idea of happiness as we think it is and the one we run after without any sort of contentment has been very well put in the novel SHANTARAM by the author gregory roberts through the character of karla when she says," happiness is a myth. it was invented to make us buy things".,...thereby equating the sense of being happy with materialism and with the psuedo joy that we tend to feel after owning things. psuedo? why? well like tyler durden form "fight club" says, " the thing we own, end up owning us!!"

perhaps its not owning the car that makes us happy....its the thrill of the ride in it!

what women want

2008-03-04T20:51:00.002+05:30

really i think i am the last person to have any insight on this topic...but nevertheless here is my dig at perhaps the most sought after question in human exsistence...

i think that all that a woman wants from a man is to be GENEROUS!
and when i say generous i mean just to do a little more that is expected out of him as his duty...just a step ahead...a little more than what he is suppose to do...

all she wants is him to be generous with his respect...generous with his attention...generous with his gratitude...generous while making love...generous with his love...just generous all aound at whatever he does...

perhaps thats all she needs to feel special...his woman...a woman...

self-respect

2008-02-01T00:02:00.000+05:30

strip me, yet i am clothed in my self-respect.
on losing it is when i become completely naked.

names

2008-01-31T22:10:00.000+05:30

yesterday someone shared a very interesting theory about hindus naming their children after GODS.he said that during earlier times people thought that if they would name their children after deitys then when they would be at their death bed,they would be calling for their names...and that would mean that they will be atleast taking the names of the GODS while dying and this will help them to go to "swarga"...paradise...in the company of teh GODS themselves....

what a novel way to earn brownie points just before you are dying...im sure GOD would be flattered and forgive teh heaps of sins committed during the lifetime and allow you to his party in paradise...

indians are obsessed with naming their children.and the latest of trends is to name them with a complex sanskrit or hindi word which obviously they havent heard of or known until they read it in the book titled "3000 names for your baby"....

but whats striking that you would rarely(read never) find a hindu keeping his childs name in urdu or a muslim in hindi even though they so many of the words they use in their normal vocabulary comprise of the same...this goes to show that we think that essentially hindi is a language of the hindus and urdu of the muslims!
however if their child has to have a pet name...it will have to be an english name...because ofcourse english is an international language and so very modern...

whats wrong with us?...are we as broad minded as we presumed we would be when the 21st century dawns upon us...
sorry mr. shakespeare...lots is in a name...communal and caste extremism ostensibly glitters through them...for the first thing that we do on hearing someones name is to determine his religion and caste so that we can decide if we have to be prejudiced against them...

bollywood

2007-12-31T01:55:00.000+05:30

first of all...appologies to mr. bachchan...for the title..sir, i am an admirer of yours...howevr i beg to differ with your view...indian movie industry is aptly titles as bollywood..and so is the title of this blog...
the other day i saw the year 2007's biggest commercial success...om shanti om...it struck me after watching the movie that these filmmakers make a huge moron out of us...throuout the movie they satired on the indian(south movies included) movie scene...yet the movie was effectively presenting the same garbage stuff...stylishedly garnished...as its core story line...

then i realised that these movie makers are nothing but businessman..shrewd ones...
as far as my understanding of the term art goes it is something by means of which we bring out our emotions in a creative way.....and based on my perception i ask myself..are the movies made by these people a subject of art?...how are they artists?

its so freaking funny that how shamelessly thaey copy movies from the west and elsewhere..now please...im not sayingthat i am huge fan of hollywood and all...and that i despise indian movies...the thing is that hollywood has its own share of shit...lots of it...but then its very brave enough to try and to be creative...not everystroke can fetch u a six..but a good decent honest try is always admirable...thses efforts of creativity and genuineness are far in betwen in india...

once this guy from the u.s.a. asked me...what all indian movies you could recommend...now i wud like to tell you that i have seen a million movies but i had to think hard to come up with the name of 5...thats is because most of them have been grotesquely copied from the west...and that too sadly..and the rest are plain bad...and to actually zero down on the ones u could suggest to a foreigner...the one u think has a global theme...universally appealable...very difficult to find...

our filmmakers(...aaaa....film businessman...)often opine that they make meaningless song dance cliched shit because indian people are very tensed and have a hectic life so they need to beentertained...now what they actually meann by this is that...listen we are very incompetent...we dont want to wisen the audience or they will identify our gross incpabitilies...so we will continbue making shit and publicise it ina grand way...give interviews every where and create a scandal just before the release...and will make money from it...art?what the fuck is that? oh sorry...bad hollywood word..guess too many english dvds have been watched to make a hindi movie...

there used to be a time in the past when actually some very good movies have been made...the time perhaps when people cared about making one passionateyl...and i say with a lot of optimism...there soon will be a time in the future...partly because some of the stuff of late is very promising..and mostly because audience is begining to wisen up because english foreign dvds are available to them too...but that will have its own course of time passage...

people often ask me what genre and kind of mvies i like...i say...any kind..as long as it appears to be of the genre its supposed to be...a thriller should be able to give you thrills...a mindless comedy should make you laugh at its silliness..a horror should make u dread to just watch it...a romantic should make you get goosebumps...a musical should fill you with exuberance...an action shud inspire you to workout...a movie should be just honest to its genre...should be able to tickle the emotion in you that it aims at...
i always say...more than in the story...its in the story telling...

gratitude

2007-12-23T12:34:00.000+05:30

human beiings are obsessed with landmarks...especially with the multiple of 5,10,25....this year i turned 25...as the clock turned 12 announcing the 1st day of august...i was gripped with a sense of terrific overwelhming emotions...and before i could get a grip on myself...my eyes were all welled...till date i dont know what had gotten into me as i was laying on the upper berth of the train...going back home after a near month trip to the u.s.a. ...at that moment my phone also started ringing..with eager friends trying to wish me...infact a friend even asked if i were crying or it was a cold or something...it was kinda obvious...

so i have had completed 25 years and had just returned home after a half way trip to the world...and when i sat down for the annual introspection of the passed year as i do on the 1st of august every year(as i write it i feel silly...)i couldnt help but do it for the entire 25 years of my life...

i would have to say that so far i have a great time...if i were to live again i wish it were exactly the same(with minor touch ups ofcourse...)the family i have...friends i have been able to achieve...i confess...i have ben very lucky!...and its been awesome fun...

and that night i thought atleast i will communicate the sense of acknowledgement i had been feeling via sms es...and i did...to people i have been very close to...to the ones not so..but definetely having a significant contributions at some point in my life...to everyone who had been there...a part of the play...the skit...the drama...the movie...the blockbuster mega hit!

no one replied...some of them might have thought...wat a sissy...and some didnt coz they knew they didnt need to...love is more of a verb than a noun...and as the great enigma had once written...silence must be heard...

and if u reading this and have known me somehow...i use this oppurtunity to extend my deepest gratitude of jsut being there in whatever capacity u have had...its been a pleasure...

they say that when you die,your entire life flashes in front of your eyes in that last moment...and i when i would die...there will be numerous moments in my life that will be worth a re-run...

immortality

2007-12-09T21:06:00.000+05:30

recently i went to a seminar on environmental protection and the laws in india to deal with that.it ws a very enlightening discussion and at the end of which i was left with the most basic of question which wasnt answered by anyone to the best of my satisfaction...why do we need to protect the environment so badly?we wont live that long after all to see the doomsday...so why care?....i was left pondering over it.i understand all the jazz about the fact that we have to give our coming generation the perfect place to thrive and all that....but c'mon...we just cant be so freakingselfless...its so not humna...so what is it that makes us so worried?...heres a theory..may be a little far fetched and perhaps too bizzare...but heres a theory by me anyways....when hamlet made the famous "To be or not to be..." monologue he was basically referring to the unknown territory we might have to tread when we die...we have no clue what happens...all the sweet music of the paradise theory ...umm...no one can bank on it....at the same time the idea to be immortal is one of the most common wishes of all times...now i look around my family...and i see a resemblance all over...for example we kinda look the same...similar habits...eating preferences..emper...etc. etc.....it is like a chain...we carry on...some one parts...some one new comes in...the new fella has the mixed qualities of his oarents , grandparents, siblings and all....essentially we are way too much alike.

even if a person dies today...he lives in traces...in soem genes of some other person....somehow we jsut carry on...perhaps not with the most immediate of consciousness...or even with a hugely remote one....but we do carry on...our next generations takes us through...we might not be reincarnated as the term is normally understood...but we are in traces...in bits and pieces...though scatterd all over...yet it surely has a presence...

perhaps owing to this crazy theory of mine i have a very selfish reason to keep my tap off while shaving...perhaps i want to be immortal anyhow and for as long as i can...so i should take steps to take care of the environment...like someone said in the seminar...the time of concern has come for us... i improvise and say...time to panic is not far behind....

smile

2007-11-29T17:59:00.000+05:30

recently i had yet yet another tooth problem and had to see the dentist.as i was waiting at the reception i started a chat with the guy who was incharge of attending the waiting patients.now everytime a person buys a new watch or a shoe or any other thing he notices other peoples shoes, watch or whatever.same thing happens with me when i go to the dentist and get yet another cap over my tooth(yes...my dental problems are legendary).i nothiced tht this fellow had a very out of place front tooth.it was almost black...thicker than the rest and just stood out with its ugliness.yes...i understand i dont have a right to comment about other peoples teeth but the point is that it begged to be noticed.while in conversation i said something which triggered a full wide mouthed smile from my friend.seeing him smile like that made me feel instantly warm.
i couldnt help but think that a smile has nothing to do with the set of teeth you have.its about that spark in the eye.that genuine tinkle that shines when you actually truly laugh and smile...and this kind of smile is really addictive.i felt that most people(myself included) dont understand that its not the teeth that makes a smile...but the warmth that is radiated through the eyes.a heartfelt smile from a child can truly uplift the mood of a dampened person.when we are children we keep ginning even though we have numerous teeth missing.but as we grow we become so consious that a real smile depends on if our teeth are giving off the "close-up" shine. we lose our ability to be ourselves

my movies

2007-11-29T13:40:00.017+05:30

i am contantly accused of naming so many movies as my all time favourite movie. the fact is that movies have proved to be my real source of literature. whatever little i know of in life i qwe a chunk of it to cinema. also at the risk of blowing my own trumpet i ould like to say that i have a decent understanding of cinema as i am able to really connect with the characters and understand them. also when i calla movie my favourite a lot depends on the state of mind that i was in and the effect it caused to me. so of the movie i swear by are the ones that i have seen only once and don' remember much of it now but the fact is that while i had seen it it caused a lasting impression on me and moved something strongly within me. the list below is definetely not in order and is surely not exhaustive.i keep on addingto the list as i come across a gem worthy a mention here. a man is known by the company he keeps and the tatse he possesses. perhaps these movies reveal a bit of my character.

the godfather trilogy
forest gump
fight club
lord of the rings trilogy
pulp fiction
kill bill 1 & 2
crash
love actually
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
usual suspects
shawshank redemption
finding nemo
shrek
dil chahta hai
maqbool
rang de basanti
company
baby's day out
home alone 1 & 2
the stupids
the big fish
andaaz apna apna
munich
seven
closer
butterfly effect
mr.india
prime
mrs.henderson presents
y tu mama tambien
irreversible
the japanese story
antonias life
jaagte raho
saheb
snatch
lock stock and 2 smoking barrels
requeim for a dream
love song for bobby long
spider man1 & 2
x-men series
terminator 2- the judgement day
reservoir dogs
sin city
babel
300
true romance
donnie darko
mulholland drive
as good as it gets
troy
cast away
italian job
monster
saving private ryan
notting hill
oceans11
bourne series
mystic river
liar liar
dumb and dumber
catch me if u can
before sunrise
before sunset
natural born killers
about a boy
zodiac
bad santa
stay
hot fuzz
pursuit of happyness
the weatherman
omkara
taare zameen par
match point
the apocalypto
the darjeeling limited
dedication
cashback
sunshine
in bruges
billy elliot
the anchorman-the legend of ron burgundy
the ring
the exorcist
the great expectations
the dark knight
no man's land
dev d
oye lucky oye!
matchstick men
a lot like love
avatar
inglourious basterds
(500) days of summer
district 9
kick ass
scott pilgrim vs. the world
mr. nobody
please give
the secret in their eyes
a social network
the chaser
memories of murder
tropa de elite
tropa de elite 2

did it really happen?

2007-10-06T20:28:00.001+05:30

every tiem i wake up after a vivd dream i try and think and recollect it...but it seems to fade muck quicly than i can grasp it...it seems so weird...and dissapointing evn the traces of the dream reminds tht it was fun...i was enjoying it.
memories of the past are more or else like these dreams...they are fading...they are going to some dark corner in the brain where they seem to be less accessible,my favourite memories are of the childhood times which i have spent all alone playing stupid crazy games...of the afternoons where i had nothing to do but spend time with myself...thats when i thought my imagination was alive and i could create things around me which were not present...and these things seemed to bhave become alive just at my wish...i felt amazing then.and now as i have grown up i feel that my ability to imagine things with real precision has diminished greatly.
sometimes i dont knw for sure if the things that i think have had happened actually happened or were a dream tht i had last night...whos to tell?...
what are dreams?some say that they are infact the constant working of the part of the brain which is actually active when we sleep...some suggest is that they are our life in the other part of the universe (actually multiverse)...i like this theory...i like to believe that we are living more lives than one at a time.if at a given time we are given several choices then we are making all these choices at the various places that we are...some are correct some are not...but effectively they all neagte it all...so if we are elated here,we are bereaved in the other place and vice versa...so the actual result is a big 'sifar',nullity, a big zero,0, ....
arent there times when we feel happy for no apparent reason...and at times when all seems to be going well yet are shoulders droop in a grump...isnt it possible tht these emotions are due to the emotions tht we r feeling in the other places we are?does it mean tht i am connected to myself in all the forms and the situations i a essentially because i am one?
so does it means that infact the dreams are real?if not to our present situation then to the ones we dnt have a conscious understanding but an unconscious one..
who can tell?
did it really happen?

cant think

2007-09-08T17:54:00.000+05:30

have been able to create this blog space but dnt knw wat to say....but since its my first time the GOD of blogs wants me to post nething...wats blogging neways...crapping nething?then i guess wat i am doin is going to qualify for the oscars of blogs...will ne1 ever read this...why?neways right now i am kinda doin the "1...2...3...mike testing...." so lets c how it comes out...btw i am so cheesed off again tht sachins been given another raw deal by the umpies...i dnt knw how many gems we have been deprived of coz the man in the hat just decided to raise tht dreaded finger...its a v short while frm now tht hes goin to entertain us before he call it quits...till then umpires shd be more vigilant and nt rob us of the sheer pleasure...GOD wats is goin to be wen hes gone...cricket will never be the same for me...
neways i hope its a good enuf blog length wise...tho quality wise i am sure its goin to fall much below the standard...but thnkfully thr is no such things as a quality meter for blog..thst wat makes it nice....i hope to keeep blogging in the future...